To Give or Not Give a F*ck

Look, I understand the liberation of arriving at a certain age or energy, and realizing you just don’t give as many fucks as you once did–about how much other people approve of or despise you; about standing tall and speaking up on your own behalf, no matter the consequences; about wearing the comfortable pants, or leaving the house without make-up. I understand the freedom in realizing your attractiveness is no longer being measured in rooms where “the beautiful people” gather. I get it.

I feel the power in the words, “I don’t give a fuck!” And, “I have no more fucks to give!”


It’s a battle cry. It’s a revolution. It’s an entire movement.

When we let our deep Good Girl indoctrination slide just a little bit here, a smidge more there, a landslide over there, it’s like a scream held deep in the chest for a lifetime is released.

As we access that truth-telling, respect-demanding, furious VOICE that’s been submerged under the Good-Girl survival mechanisms required by tens of thousands of years of patriarchy, it feels a little like the rebellion of our teen years.

Truth be told, it’s a LOT like those years. Whether it’s peri-menopause, the swampy hot flash of the menopausal years, or what I call the post-menopausal ARRIVAL, we’re in a hormonal storm, a chemical barrage. We’re cruising over the ledges, taking another developmental leap from one way of being ourselves to another.

Humans who menstruate experience decades of riding a chemical pendulum that shifts our equilibrium from one week to the next in our cycles. When our cycles slow down, all bets are off. If our equilibrium was unreliable while we menstruated, menopause is a whole new level of unpredictability (hot flashes, mood swings, dry skin, insomnia, weight gain or loss, weird hair changes, wrinkles, libido shifts, and more. Oh, my!) Just like in adolescence, when we moved toward buckling under and fitting in, or rebellion, The Change begs the question:

Will I be a sweet, diminutive, little old lady? Or, will I toss away these last few fucks and Invoke-Evoke-Provoke my Goddess-Given Big Crone Energy?

Let’s be clear and define some terms:

Big Crone Energy means not giving a fuck. It means speaking our minds. It means standing up tall and proud, taking up space (Crone-Spreading, Babe). It means saying, “NO,” when asked to let down a boundary that took an entire life-time to erect. It means booming a resounding, delighted YES to living life exactly as we please.

Big Crone Energy is loud and boisterous, quiet and contemplative, irascible and soft, demanding and demure, sexy and celibate, wildly creative and exhausted. There are as many ways to embody Big Crone Energy as there are to be human. Everything authentically expressed by and through you is Big Crone Energy.

The other day, in a tender-hearted mood, I started weeping over a kindness someone did me. I started to apologize for my tears, tenderness, wide-open-heartedness (some of my finest qualities, if I do say so, myself). Happily, my friend reminded me my tears are also Big Crone Energy. They require no apology, nor embarrassment.

The tears, though, reminded me that I really do give a fuck. In fact, I have immeasurable fucks to give to what really matters. Other’s opinions, assessments, judgements, or chastisements, do not matter. If I was going to die from those assaults, I wouldn’t have made it past my seventh birthday. What really matters is an unshakeable self-love. Unconditional and irrevocable love for my children and chosen family. An irrational and inconceivable love for humanity, the planet, the cosmos. And, I have SO MANY FUCKS TO GIVE for social and economic justice, environmental protection and recovery, and the liberation of our WHOLE SELVES so we can all apply all the fucks in ways that actually matter.

As we evolve from giving away our precious fucks to the inconsequential, let’s not forget to move that energy toward the fucks worth giving our attention, concern, action and LOVE to. Give them freely, loudly, insistently, and repeatedly.

When we don’t give any fucks at all, we run the risk of becoming inconsequential, uncaring, bitter, isolated, and “little,” old ladies. Don’t do it. We need your Voice. We need your Art. We need your Wisdom. We need your know how, your life experience, your unique perspective, your deep heart. We need your Vision, Will and Fire.

We need your Big Crone Energy.

Big Crone Energy. Delivered.